Joyce Meyer a well known  television preacher said she had read in a book that "people who lack self-discipline are plagued by self loathing." Or something very similar to that.  It has been ringing in my ears ever since. I've always been self-motivated.  If something needed changing in my life I worked hard to change it.  As soon as it came to my attention it got locked in my sights.

I've always struggled with wanting to be perfect but the upside of the struggle is I am always perfecting.  Not good with people? No problem, I put myself out there.  I payed attention to what put me off, what offended others and I mastered it...As soon as someone told me that skinny doesn't mean "healthy" I started working out and got good advice about what I should and shouldn't be eating and I'm sticking with both.

I'm not sure how to motivate those who are not motivated. I've had days where I buried myself under my pillow and refused to address the land of the living, but more often than not when that inner voice says, "just sleep in, stay in bed..." I say , "you shut your face and get out of my way".   Some of us are afraid to talk to ourselves this way.  We might hurt our own feelings, and sometimes that voice sounds so reasonable!  You've got a sore throat don't work out today. No one is coming over the house doesn't need to be picked up, relax.  Don't worry about cooking dinner for your family, you deserve a night off (ouch...the kitchen is my kryptonite). The problem is there is no real pay off when you buy in to the justification.  Do I deserve a night off?  Yes, but I deserve a clean house, a warm healthy meal and a healthy body too... 

I guess my advice would be to start with one thing.  Your health (diet and exercise), your laundry (fold it right out of the dryer), your spouse (be consistent in kissing their face every day), your kids (discipline and affection)...start with one thing and stick with it no matter what until you conquer it.  It is very important to conquer it, because then the finished work stands as a testament to your victory.  Minor or major a victory is a victory. A win is a win, and winners don't usually hate themselves. It becomes a powerful point of reference.  "My laundry never sits on the couch!  I fold it while it's hot!" Insert fist pump and/or neck weave here... 

Self-loathing....I think I know what the opposite is.  Self-confidence.  I reek of  it.  I'm not bragging, it just seems to be the dominant by-product of discipline.  It is not just personality either.  Discipline is a fruit of the Spirit as is self-control.  Good stuff the Spirit of God has to offer. So jump on the "D" train.  Get disciplined, because when self-confidence comes, you feel as though you can do anything, you can master anything with time and discipline and you love yourself in a healthy way.   
  
I confess as I type this my house is a filthy mess.  Mostly because I haven't been disciplined in training my kids to pick up after themselves.  Today I'm giving myself permission, no, I'm insisting that I be disciplined in following through...What one thing do you choose? What makes you loathe yourself the most?  That might be the starting line.

Start today.  

Not bad enough to be great.

This one got lost in my drafts!  It is actually from the summer of 2011.  I had to post it because it was the platform for all that is going on in my spirit now!

I just recently got dragged to a woman's conference. I say dragged because I Love Jesus, but I hate touchy feely women events. I am not typically an emotional, wear my passion on my sleeve, weepy gal and in my experience feel more annoyed than ministered to at many women focused gatherings. I know, I know...and I don't hug my children enough either!

Well to my surprise two of the speakers had foreign accents, one woman was from Scotland and the other Australia. This was by far the most important discovery of the conference...I knew that no matter what they said, I would enjoy listening to them say it! Even more amazing, both ladies held me captive to their stories. They were both victims of deplorable childhood scenarios, abuse, attempted murder, then on to depression and low self-esteem. The thing that kicked me in the pants though was neither of them elaborated on their victim-hood, but on the triumph and transformation they have experienced.

Christine Caine was a youth pastor for many years and now she is the president and founder of a non-profit organization that tries to stop human trafficking. She travels all over the world preaching about Jesus BUT she raises money and has committed her life to setting literal captives FREE. Talk about faith walking around hand in hand with works. It was impossible for me not to be drawn to her "do it now" and "we can do anything" persuasive speaking.

Then a strange wiggly worm of thought began to eat through all my other thoughts. It was like the Hungry Caterpillar wanted to eat up all the inspiration being imparted to me. You haven't had to struggle like they have. You didn't have to heal like they've healed. You haven't been transformed... The more I sat there listening to Christine, panting after an anointing like hers, a passion like hers, even just a small place to apply who and what I am in Christ I felt discouraged. I heard the scripture in my head about he who has been forgiven much, loves much. I thought, I've never done enough bad, never been forgiven enough to love God and his gospel as much as these women.

Now. All my church people know what I mean when I say I felt God speak to me. I heard nothing, but suddenly another thought began to press against me. Even when I tried to focus my attention back on the speaker it was singing to me in a round...as soon as the thought was finished it would start again. "The power is not in where you've come from but where you are going."

I've been thinking about it in the many days since then. God has purpose and destiny for everyone. Once we accept what we has done for us (saved us) then we begin a faith, or a trust journey with him, that he will lead us to the promises (a hope and a future) that he has for us. I realize now that some people have to trust him a whole lot more a whole lot faster and so develops in them an amazing and blazing faith (or trust) that I don't possess.

BUT, I know that God is no respecter of person, and that I may not need to be healed emotionally from abuse, or poverty, or a thousand other horrible things I've never experienced, but the moment I apply my faith and trust God to liberate me from lethargy, self-centeredness, dreamlessness (I don't think that is a word), and lack of vision HE WILL.

I'm awake and I'm terrified. After a lifetime of living in church my faith is undernourished and under exercised, it is as skinny as...well as I am.