Joyce Meyer a well known  television preacher said she had read in a book that "people who lack self-discipline are plagued by self loathing." Or something very similar to that.  It has been ringing in my ears ever since. I've always been self-motivated.  If something needed changing in my life I worked hard to change it.  As soon as it came to my attention it got locked in my sights.

I've always struggled with wanting to be perfect but the upside of the struggle is I am always perfecting.  Not good with people? No problem, I put myself out there.  I payed attention to what put me off, what offended others and I mastered it...As soon as someone told me that skinny doesn't mean "healthy" I started working out and got good advice about what I should and shouldn't be eating and I'm sticking with both.

I'm not sure how to motivate those who are not motivated. I've had days where I buried myself under my pillow and refused to address the land of the living, but more often than not when that inner voice says, "just sleep in, stay in bed..." I say , "you shut your face and get out of my way".   Some of us are afraid to talk to ourselves this way.  We might hurt our own feelings, and sometimes that voice sounds so reasonable!  You've got a sore throat don't work out today. No one is coming over the house doesn't need to be picked up, relax.  Don't worry about cooking dinner for your family, you deserve a night off (ouch...the kitchen is my kryptonite). The problem is there is no real pay off when you buy in to the justification.  Do I deserve a night off?  Yes, but I deserve a clean house, a warm healthy meal and a healthy body too... 

I guess my advice would be to start with one thing.  Your health (diet and exercise), your laundry (fold it right out of the dryer), your spouse (be consistent in kissing their face every day), your kids (discipline and affection)...start with one thing and stick with it no matter what until you conquer it.  It is very important to conquer it, because then the finished work stands as a testament to your victory.  Minor or major a victory is a victory. A win is a win, and winners don't usually hate themselves. It becomes a powerful point of reference.  "My laundry never sits on the couch!  I fold it while it's hot!" Insert fist pump and/or neck weave here... 

Self-loathing....I think I know what the opposite is.  Self-confidence.  I reek of  it.  I'm not bragging, it just seems to be the dominant by-product of discipline.  It is not just personality either.  Discipline is a fruit of the Spirit as is self-control.  Good stuff the Spirit of God has to offer. So jump on the "D" train.  Get disciplined, because when self-confidence comes, you feel as though you can do anything, you can master anything with time and discipline and you love yourself in a healthy way.   
  
I confess as I type this my house is a filthy mess.  Mostly because I haven't been disciplined in training my kids to pick up after themselves.  Today I'm giving myself permission, no, I'm insisting that I be disciplined in following through...What one thing do you choose? What makes you loathe yourself the most?  That might be the starting line.

Start today.  

Not bad enough to be great.

This one got lost in my drafts!  It is actually from the summer of 2011.  I had to post it because it was the platform for all that is going on in my spirit now!

I just recently got dragged to a woman's conference. I say dragged because I Love Jesus, but I hate touchy feely women events. I am not typically an emotional, wear my passion on my sleeve, weepy gal and in my experience feel more annoyed than ministered to at many women focused gatherings. I know, I know...and I don't hug my children enough either!

Well to my surprise two of the speakers had foreign accents, one woman was from Scotland and the other Australia. This was by far the most important discovery of the conference...I knew that no matter what they said, I would enjoy listening to them say it! Even more amazing, both ladies held me captive to their stories. They were both victims of deplorable childhood scenarios, abuse, attempted murder, then on to depression and low self-esteem. The thing that kicked me in the pants though was neither of them elaborated on their victim-hood, but on the triumph and transformation they have experienced.

Christine Caine was a youth pastor for many years and now she is the president and founder of a non-profit organization that tries to stop human trafficking. She travels all over the world preaching about Jesus BUT she raises money and has committed her life to setting literal captives FREE. Talk about faith walking around hand in hand with works. It was impossible for me not to be drawn to her "do it now" and "we can do anything" persuasive speaking.

Then a strange wiggly worm of thought began to eat through all my other thoughts. It was like the Hungry Caterpillar wanted to eat up all the inspiration being imparted to me. You haven't had to struggle like they have. You didn't have to heal like they've healed. You haven't been transformed... The more I sat there listening to Christine, panting after an anointing like hers, a passion like hers, even just a small place to apply who and what I am in Christ I felt discouraged. I heard the scripture in my head about he who has been forgiven much, loves much. I thought, I've never done enough bad, never been forgiven enough to love God and his gospel as much as these women.

Now. All my church people know what I mean when I say I felt God speak to me. I heard nothing, but suddenly another thought began to press against me. Even when I tried to focus my attention back on the speaker it was singing to me in a round...as soon as the thought was finished it would start again. "The power is not in where you've come from but where you are going."

I've been thinking about it in the many days since then. God has purpose and destiny for everyone. Once we accept what we has done for us (saved us) then we begin a faith, or a trust journey with him, that he will lead us to the promises (a hope and a future) that he has for us. I realize now that some people have to trust him a whole lot more a whole lot faster and so develops in them an amazing and blazing faith (or trust) that I don't possess.

BUT, I know that God is no respecter of person, and that I may not need to be healed emotionally from abuse, or poverty, or a thousand other horrible things I've never experienced, but the moment I apply my faith and trust God to liberate me from lethargy, self-centeredness, dreamlessness (I don't think that is a word), and lack of vision HE WILL.

I'm awake and I'm terrified. After a lifetime of living in church my faith is undernourished and under exercised, it is as skinny as...well as I am.

Make a run for it...

If I quit when it starts to get uncomfortable I would have been done at 1.5 miles tonight. Something felt "off". Please cue the negative self talk. "my joints are hurting" and "something is not right" and "I really want to go home and watch my netflix". I wanted to grab the rails and dangle my legs over the speeding treads of the mil.


Then I remembered a certain gal at the gym. I even updated my status about her because she was a total stranger and I hugged her. I got her started with a workout plan and would periodically check up on her. After a month it was time to measure her. She had made NO progress so I questioned her on her cardio and routine etc... "Well, I was walking on the treadmil and I didn't feel right so I slowed down. I was listening to my body." I seriously said these words to her. "Your body was lying. It doesn't want to exercise. It is perfectly healthy for your heart rate to go up while you work out." I was listening to my body too...


Now back to me sweating and gasping on the treadmil, sweat is starting to pour, I am trying to distract myself with NCIS, but by mile two I actually feel a little dizzy...I should stop. Then I thought of this blog. Life is like running. It gets uncomfortable but you can't stop because if you do, esta muerte, dead, sleeping on a slab, swimming with the fishes, pushing up daisies (best show ever cancelled). Sometimes it is not about breaking your record it is about just finishing. It is pushing through just to make it to the end.


Lights brighter, inspiration music...cue positive self talk, "I was made to run. I am thin. My joints can take this I am still young. Only one mile to go." I actually sped up the machine!

Here it comes...at the end of my three miles I found out the reason it was so uncomfortable. I was pushing myself past myself. I stopped listening to my body, after all it is just a sack of flesh filled with brittle bones, my soul wanted me to finish (not just the mile, this is an analogy for life). I did finish. I was dizzy, had slight chaffing in some awkward nether regions...but I finished.

Keep living, keep pushing yourself to be the best you and you might just find you reached your goals, met your dream, and obtained the prize. I am still reaching for dreams, pushing towards goals in life...but tonight I took that sweet minute and six seconds off my best time. Three miles 27:10

Failure Vs. Success

Before I began to spew out my first official blog I want to dedicate the nonsese here to my husband. He makes everyone love him by laughing at himself. On occassion I hope people will have cause to love me because I helped them laugh at themselves. I promise to occassionaly use bad grammer, and more often mispelled words. I can't promise not to be offensive, it is never my intention (I try to be self aware and sensitive to others), but the easily offended will root out fault. Now, some words of wisdom from the real me.


My husband was disgusted when I likened failure to giving a sweaty fat man a piggy back ride. He shuddered in disgust. You know why? Because giving a sweaty fat man a piggy back ride is gross and unbearable, literally the weight would break me. (No offense sweaty fat man I see you everyday working out on the treadmil and you are doing great! Keep up the hard work. Two thumbs way up buddy). I hate to fail. I am scared to fail. I do not want to be crushed by failure. Currently I feel soaked by the sweat of my dripping obese failures.


So if failure can be likened to such an icky burden, I then say success is much like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. How much more elusive can you get; untold treasure at the end of a spectrum of colorful light? Not real. Who can climb it? Who can find it?


My back is breaking and I have to start moving. I have to put as much distance between me and the perspiring weight challenged hanger on as possible. I will keep running towards the promise of the "pretty light in the sky". At the end of my life I don't want people to talk about the character of my back and butt muscles from carrying around all the crap the didn't go my way, but rather that I was always running, climbing, scratching, clawing (action words are fun), and pushing myself to be and do better. I want to succeed at a lot of stuff.


I love this quote. "Reach for the stars. You may not get one, but you won't come up with a handfull of mud either." Another personal favorite, "If at first you don't succeed, keep on sucking till you do succeed."



Whew. First blog done. You can hate it, but you can't say mean things. You should know that inside this toasty piece of hardcore Deder is not a hard core at all but a creamy, milk chocolately, (yum, who loves cadbury eggs?) gal who just wants to be affirmed as a literary genius. If you do say mean things I will, and I quote my sweet sister/friend and fellow Arnold, "End. You."