Not bad enough to be great.

This one got lost in my drafts!  It is actually from the summer of 2011.  I had to post it because it was the platform for all that is going on in my spirit now!

I just recently got dragged to a woman's conference. I say dragged because I Love Jesus, but I hate touchy feely women events. I am not typically an emotional, wear my passion on my sleeve, weepy gal and in my experience feel more annoyed than ministered to at many women focused gatherings. I know, I know...and I don't hug my children enough either!

Well to my surprise two of the speakers had foreign accents, one woman was from Scotland and the other Australia. This was by far the most important discovery of the conference...I knew that no matter what they said, I would enjoy listening to them say it! Even more amazing, both ladies held me captive to their stories. They were both victims of deplorable childhood scenarios, abuse, attempted murder, then on to depression and low self-esteem. The thing that kicked me in the pants though was neither of them elaborated on their victim-hood, but on the triumph and transformation they have experienced.

Christine Caine was a youth pastor for many years and now she is the president and founder of a non-profit organization that tries to stop human trafficking. She travels all over the world preaching about Jesus BUT she raises money and has committed her life to setting literal captives FREE. Talk about faith walking around hand in hand with works. It was impossible for me not to be drawn to her "do it now" and "we can do anything" persuasive speaking.

Then a strange wiggly worm of thought began to eat through all my other thoughts. It was like the Hungry Caterpillar wanted to eat up all the inspiration being imparted to me. You haven't had to struggle like they have. You didn't have to heal like they've healed. You haven't been transformed... The more I sat there listening to Christine, panting after an anointing like hers, a passion like hers, even just a small place to apply who and what I am in Christ I felt discouraged. I heard the scripture in my head about he who has been forgiven much, loves much. I thought, I've never done enough bad, never been forgiven enough to love God and his gospel as much as these women.

Now. All my church people know what I mean when I say I felt God speak to me. I heard nothing, but suddenly another thought began to press against me. Even when I tried to focus my attention back on the speaker it was singing to me in a round...as soon as the thought was finished it would start again. "The power is not in where you've come from but where you are going."

I've been thinking about it in the many days since then. God has purpose and destiny for everyone. Once we accept what we has done for us (saved us) then we begin a faith, or a trust journey with him, that he will lead us to the promises (a hope and a future) that he has for us. I realize now that some people have to trust him a whole lot more a whole lot faster and so develops in them an amazing and blazing faith (or trust) that I don't possess.

BUT, I know that God is no respecter of person, and that I may not need to be healed emotionally from abuse, or poverty, or a thousand other horrible things I've never experienced, but the moment I apply my faith and trust God to liberate me from lethargy, self-centeredness, dreamlessness (I don't think that is a word), and lack of vision HE WILL.

I'm awake and I'm terrified. After a lifetime of living in church my faith is undernourished and under exercised, it is as skinny as...well as I am.